Weather With You..

I lied last week...the hardest part wasn't getting on the plane. The hardest part is sitting in a flat across the ocean from the person I love. Wishing I could be with her but knowing I can't right now.

Easy My Ass

This is the worst thing I have ever had to do! I really do not want to get on that plane tomorrow.

Packing....

Up until now nothing has really felt final....until I started actually packing my bags. It felt horrible. Yesterday we went into the city, I saw a few of my workmates to say goodbye. They were all talking about their plans ...some short term others long term. And I had to bolt to the bathroom before I completely broke down. I apologised to L because I feel it is my fault that everything is going wrong. She never once blames me she just kept hugging and kissing me. She knows exactly when I need her.

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to go ... guess it comes down to growing up - effin hate it!

Rocky Times...

Ha Ha not what you guys think!!! Ever since I came to the US I wanted to go see the Rocky statue in Philly ... and I finally did yesterday! It amazes me that L will do anything to make sure everything I want to do happens. She amazes me. It was a great day, we hung out .. in the rain with friends. I saw Philly and ran up the stairs (I also won!) and had my pic taken with Rocky.

As always I forget that in less than a week I am going to have to return to the UK. Through no fault of my own - and I can not stay even though I desperately wish I could. I wish I could wake up every morning with L as I have been for the last month. In some ways it been the greatest month of my life, I get to go to sleep with her, see her before she goes to work, am there when she gets back. However it has also been the worst month, knowing that I have to return very soon.

I spoke to my mother on Friday and she is super excited that I am returning back to the UK but she doesn't know how this is all tearing me up inside. Sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand and hide. I hate what this is doing to me, and obviously what it is doing to L. We are both trying to be strong, and we go on with our days as if nothing huge is going to happen on Friday. I woke up this morning about to say, 'hey what are we doing next weekend?' when I remembered that next Sunday I will be waking up in the UK! I can't wait to see my family, but evertime I went back to the UK before I knew I was heading back to the US and seeing L. I wonder if when she started seeing me she realised that me having to leave was likely? And sometimes I wonder if she thinks this is all worth while. I know I am going to try my hardest to return and be with the person I chose to love.

Fedex Man

So .... I spent the last two weeks off work .... just with L. And today the Fedex Man came and picked up boxes to ship back to the UK .... my stuff. I haven't taken everything with the hope that I will be back sometime soon. But it truly is heartbreaking having stuff sent back to the place that I can't even call home any more. I never truly gave any thought to that phrase 'home is where the heart is'...it is a cliche right? Hell no! It is the truth. I know I won't be saying goodbye ... but it still hurts.

So what has been happening? Well ... UAFA had an appearance in the Senate Judiciary committee. I have read some people saying how great it is ... and I have hope. But then I have read and probably agree more with the pessimists. The ones who have sat there and seen that President Obama really hasn't done much. Yes Yes I know ... he has had a lot on his plate ... but give something to the people who helped you get where you are. Something to the people who just want to stay with the person they love. The weird thing for me is that L tells me stories about the families she works with ... families that abuse their kids, physically; emotionally or both. They receive help from the government, and L and I who have done nothing wrong receive nothing.

Personally, I have just been spending time with L and her cats! Cody gave us a bit of a scare the other day ... had to take him to the emergency vet. For the first time I felt the responsibility of having someone depend on you. Even though the two cats are L's I have grown very very fond of them. And was very relieved when everything worked itself out.

L keeps telling me off for not having kept up with my blog ... I just get depressed thinking about things. I have 8 nights left with her until I come back on holiday... . I hate that thought. I have set up our webcams and am sure we can get through this - but this really does suck! Unfortunately we don't have lots of time ... wish we did.

So Sorry....

So I have been completely lame with my blog recently .... and I am sorry about that. I got depressed and rather than tackling things head on I decide to hide from them ... the ostrich effect!!!



I really have not done much since I last wrote...spending as much time with L as possible which I love. Slowly saying goodbye to my clients from work and trying organise stuff for the move back. I wish this country would stop acting like an ostrich - and just accept that people in their country are gay and as such should allow those people to live their life without any problems. I hate how people tell me I should be living! Flipping ridiculous if you ask me, ... as long as I am not hurting anyone why should any of this matter?





I read a great article about how Michael Steele (Head of GOP) believes that gay marriage is going to harm small businesses...because then the employer will have to give health care rights etc to the gay husband/wife. But isn't the same true if I was working for a small business and married a man ... I mean come on...really? That is his argument. Then lets go back to the time when white people weren't allowed to marry blacks! Such a joke!!

I know I should stop reading about other people going through the same thing as L and I ... as it depresses me even more. But somehow I feel comforted by it also. My friends are organising drinks for when I go back ... and the one thing that I didn't want to happen is happening. I just wanted to see my girlfriends, but know they are inviting their boyfriends. I hate couples!!!! :) Just kidding!!!!

WTF

HOW THE F DID 'NATIONFORMARRIAGE.ORG' GET AN ADVERT ON MY BLOG???? HOW UTTERLY IRONIC .... LOVE IT ;)

We are family ....

So what is the definition of family? Well according to Webster we have;


1)a social unit living together



2)primary social group; parents and children



3)people descended from a common ancestor


4)a collection of things sharing a common attribute


5)an association of people who share common beliefs or activities





6)a person having kinship with another or others





So no where here does it say a family = man+woman or man+woman+children. So why not pass the UAFA..for those of you that don't know much about it... go to


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uniting_American_Families_Act


http://immigrationequality.org/template.php?pageid=49




http://www.out4immigration.org/immigration/homepage.html

For me ... family is the person I choose to settle down with. I thought it was bad enough when my mother told me that I should have an arranged marriage .... ! The only difference between my mum, and the US government is that the US government doesn't mind if I marry a man that isn't Sikh. In the end they are still trying to force something upon me which I do not want to do.

I keep reading how, if they made gay immigration official it could lead to people lying about their relationships to bring people into the US to obtain their Green Cards. That happens now .... friends get married so someone doesn't have to leave the States. I know of three different 'couples' who have done this. If they legalised gay immigration then I am sure the number of fake marriages would decrease. It seems every day something 'major' is happening in terms of gay rights over in the US ...however until it becomes federal there really isn't much point celebrating. Isn't this one country? The EU is more unified over gay rights than the United States of America! Hardly United guys!!!!



Don't get me wrong, I really like this country and do want to make it my home with L. However before coming here I was assumed that the US would lead the rest of the world in terms of gay tolerance. It scares and saddens me sometimes in how backwards this country can actually be....

1 month....

As my work mate keeps telling me I only have one month left, at the company in the US. Then I have a further 26 days with L in her country until I have to return to the UK. I am lucky I still have a job to go back to ... just not lucky enough to get to stay with my gf.

I keep reading other people's stories and it really does make me sad. I just don't understand what this country is achieving especially when 20 other countries who premise is freedom and liberation of their people. Well some of their people aren't getting that. I was impressed to learn that Andorra a tiny little country allows gay immigration. Maybe I can convince L to move there ... guessing the climate won't be all that bad. Just because to some what L and I have isn't the definition of 'family' does not mean that we are not one. It also doesn't mean that we should not be allowed to create one.

Finish Line...

How are some days so much easier than others? L and I (and another friend) did the Revlon Run for Women's Cancer. L and I had done the run last year, this year we tried to run but with so many people all three of us were happy just to walk most of the way :). It was a great day, we ended up walking nearly 6 miles, 3 miles for the run and then the 3 miles back before we went to lunch.

From there L and I went shopping, we got some great bargains it was great. I love walking around NY (like I said in the past blog). I love those days.

Today however I am rather blue, I keep reading all these articles about how more and more people in the US are accepting Gay marriage ... but nothing is really happening at the top level. It is great that more States are accepting gay marriage and making it legal, but it really doesn't help immigration. I truly wish it did. I wish that L and I did not have to fight to stay together and be happy - I guess it is a true test in terms of our relationship. However how is it that a man and a woman can meet, and within a few hours get married and everything be fine. But two people who are both of the same sex, meet, stay together for over two years and have no future in this country. It truly makes me sad. Every day is getting closer to the day that I have to go back to the UK ... . I see the sadness in L's eyes even though she always says things are fine, and I am sure she can see it my eyes. It is so hard sometimes. But I love her so much I will do anything to make sure that our dreams can become a reality.

Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue

I went with some of my work mates to play football last night...sorry I meant to say soccer. But the English in me just would not allow me to do that!!!

As we finished playing in Central Park, we walked over to Columbus Circle (for those of you not familiar with NY it is located on 59th and Eighth near one of the entrances for Central Park). Whilst we made our way over I saw the rocks in the park where L and I would sit for hours having picnics when we first met. Then I passed the statue of Columbus where we would sit after she had class that first spring we were together. We would just wonder around that area. I got so sad when I was walking in that area, but I couldn't break down, firstly I was in public and secondly I was with two of my work mates. I don't want to be walking around NY in a few years with memories of something that I could not have. I want to be walking around NY with L talking about 'how we did this and that'.

It Makes You Forget...For a little while...

The Sun really does make people forget about their problems - well that is how I see it. So many people out and about - it just seems to make people happier. I saw so many people eating out last night it just seemed that people had forgotten about the hard times going around them.

When L and I were grocery shopping this weekend, we saw a few gay couples. All three couples looked cute together. It really felt as if we belonged and there were no issues. Until L looked at one couple and said 'they get to stay together'. Those words made me sad, because I wish I could stay with L. It is not my choice that I am being forced back to my country, but I know that I have to go for a little while at least. I am trying my hardest to come back, and we have a few ideas in the pipeline. But I think it is ridiculous how hard this country is making it for me to stay with the one person I chose to love.

So the sun can make me forget for a little while, but not completely.

Beautiful Sun....

Ahh the weather has been gorgeous these last few days. It actually makes you forget until one of you says something as a joke in passing.... . Then it takes a few minutes to get back on track and keep your emotions at bay.

We went to the beach for a few minutes yesterday but it was a little too cold with the wind, so we went to a park neaby. Read books, talked, watched people - absolutely great times. We hung out on L's balcony relaxed and drank beers, it was a great day. We were even domesticated. I hate to go on and on ... but it is my blog!!! We are not doing anything wrong, we act in the same way a woman and man in a relationship act. We have fun together, make sure the other is happy and always put the other person's feelings first. So again I ask you all out there - what is wrong with our relationship being recognised? That is right - NOTHING!

That Storm

So I am sure most of you have seen at least one version of NOM's 'A Storm is Gathering Video' ... well I think I just found my favourite spoof of it so far.... http://www.giantgayrepellentumbrella.com/ . Absolutely Brilliant - and once again I have to ask, what is the big deal? Banning gay marriage is like saying that two people of different races can not get married. Didn't we get rid of that crap a few decades ago? What is this country so scared of? A country that says it is Liberal and Free really has not been coming across like that to me recently. Don't get me wrong I love this place, hence I want to stay - but why can't it look across the Atlantic Ocean and see how other Western nations are responding to the gay issue. Ah yes thats right...for them it really doesn't seem to be an issue.

So L was looking something up for me earlier and noticed that part of my blog has been quoted on another website http://imeq.us/ by someone called 'OurHero-Tan'. I don't know who you are .. but many thanks for getting my blog out there - it means a lot to me. I did not even know about that website - but am glad that there is another website helping our cause. Please drop me a message.

My boss is out of the office for a week - and my stress levels have just gone down...somewhat similar to stock markets!!!

Guac.....

So L makes the best Guacamole ever (pic to the right ...may not look appealing but sooooo good!)....and decided to make some today even though she knew I wouldn't get some - mean I think so! However my mate made some last night so I wasn't craving it as much!!!

Finally managed to speak to my boss today - I swear the man could not debate to save his life! He panics when put in a one on one situation...it amuses me. But the upshot is that I get to stay here until June 26th. So for me and L that is good, or as good as it is going to get for us in the short term at least.

What is in a date?

So I was ill the end of last week, hence I did not update my blog. (The picture on the right was taken on my ride back to L's last week. I always feel better when I am on the train back to L's). I got to relax at L's place with her cats - so it was good times and for a few days I was able to forget.

I read that UAFA (the act that would allow L to sponsor me to stay) was mentioned in People magazine and that Obama is supporting gay immigration. I hope it is sooner rather than later, I hate how people get to play with my life. Only I should be responsible for deciding what happens, not my boss or the government. I am NOT doing anything wrong.

Talking about my boss, I had to have my weekly meeting with him this morning, whereby my return date was brought up. Apparently even though he booked my flight, (and he knew when my last date in the NY office was going to be when he booked it) I have to use my holiday allowance if I want to stay until June 26th. I can stay here until June 12th and not use any holiday allowance, fine. However if I want to stay like originally planned until June 26th then I will have to use 10 days holiday time. If I use those days then I can't come back and see L as we planned during the rest of the year. (Can you tell how nice my boss is being to me!!!!). I spoke to my future manager in the London office who is fighting for me to stay until the 26th and not use any of my allotted holiday allowance. It is bad enough that I have to leave in a 8 weeks as it is, but to then tell me it is now going to be 6 weeks, is just tough. I never thought I would ever feel 'hatred' towards someone - but now I know that I can and do!

On-Call

So I was walking through Penn Station this morning and saw this guy in this get up - hence the photo. I am guessing it has something to do with tax day today - but am not sure?! You know being English and all!

I woke up this morning and L looked adorable - as much as she denies it. She had her arms up above her head, hands curled up, in a similar way to how babies sleep. Absolutely loved it. I love waking up before her and snuggling with her for a while watching her sleep. Its my favourite, just wish I could do it for always.

Every few months, L is on call for the week for work. She got her schedule today, and she goes on call the day I fly out to the UK. Usually when she finds out her schedule she will message me to check if we have anything on, in case she needs to swap with one of her colleagues. It made me so sad, I nearly cried at my desk. I actually had to leave and walk away to get my feelings back in control. I hate talking about that date, was very nearly sick and asked L not to talk to me about it. I know that I should not avoid the subject but for I just want to lie to myself for a little while longer. She doesn't want to talk about it either. I really wish there was miracle out there for us. And I know I am being selfish because there are thousands of other people in our situation but right now all I care about is L. I just want to make L happy and never ever make her sad. But I know this is making her sad, but she is actually being the stronger of the two.

I hate how I have to go on with my day at work pretending everything is fine in front of my boss.

ps. L said she is going to edit my blog as there are far too many spelling and grammar mistakes! Got to love her for that :)

641

So this is the building that I have been working in for the last 2 and half years. It's been fun times ... but one day it all had to end. And the end is near ..not happy about it but hey what can I do? Well I could tell you what I have been trying to do ... but short of prostituting myself off to stay in this country nothing is really panning it self out.

So I spent the entire weekend at L's place - like I said, love it :). I seriously didn't really do anything except relax with her.

Oh I was told off for not telling you guys what my gift was .... are you ready? Wait for it .... Tickets to the BANGLES! Ah my first crush Ms. Hoffs, I am so going to walk like an egyptian for her. And this is why I love L even more :) But seeing as I went to Jewel with her I think it is only fair - right :)

Well my work day has been rather lame and boring! Seriously my boss expects me to work when he acts like a complete ... well you know what! Ah well, soon enough I won't have to see his face. Although I would have endured seeing it if it meant I could stay with L!

2 Balls of Fur

So when L and I started seeing each other - she told me she had two cats. I wasn't sure how I felt about that...I wasn't really used to being around animals...however these two manage to have weasled their way into my heart. I couldn't imagine going over to hers and not seeing them there. Her boy cat likes me more than her female cat ... but they still mean a lot to me. And I love watching L interact with them, they really bring a smile to her face. Sundays for me means getting to hang out with my two furry friends. I have been kicked off the sofa right now by her boy cat!





I spoke to my mum earlier today, she is so excited about me coming back to the UK soon. And I have to pretend to be happy. That is a lie ... part of me is, I get to to see my mum and my sister. But I don't want to stay there ... my heart is here, in NJ of all places! I don't want a huge house, or lots of money, I just want to be able to wake up with my girlfriend. Oh and to be able to go to Sundaes once in a while for ice cream....hmmmm :)





I'll have more to blog this week, however this weekend has been pretty relaxing. I love just spending time with L doing absolutely nothing.


Oh and a p.s. spread the word about my blog, I want to get a following as I really want this blog to be hosted on another website, to really get the word out there.

pps. boy does this sound familiar! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-rubysachs/torn-apart-by-doma_b_185454.html

Long Weekends..

Had an extra day off yesterday ... sorry I didn't post. I was being productive with my credit card ... ha ha ha!!! Even though my mum told me that there is a credit crunch ...I still went out and shopped. I shopped for stuff that I usually do not buy. It was a very very relaxing day. Slept in late, had a great breakfast made by L and then went shopping. Came back made a great dinner and then went out on the hunt for desert at at around 11.30. Did pretty much the same today, with no shopping. It is all very domesticated bliss. It is a life that I see us see us living for years to come if someone just gave us a break.

We have just finished eating dinner, L is watching some crappy film whilst I write this. I just looked over and realized that she had been looking at me the entire time that I have been writing on this, and she continues!!! 'I've been staring at you since you started typing and you didn't even notice.' She thinks she can tell my mood from the way I type - she doesn't know me! Well that is what I would like to think, but she knows me far too well!!

Right I am off to go and lie on the couch. Will write more tomorrow! (When L is not around putting me off by watching me!) Oh and the pic of the day is the view from her living room, a view I love.

UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE

So today, well yesterday but more so today I got really pissed off with everything.




I have a friend (of sorts) who is male, who is from the UK, who met a girl in the US maybe a year ago...maybe less but definately not more! He was also asked by his company to return back to the UK, which he did not want to. So today, well probably as I write this he is marrying his gf. He said that ultimately they were going to get married. Because he has a dick, and she doesn't... it is all good in the eyes of the law in terms of immigration. So they are getting married, she is going to sponsor him, he can stay here in the country. Good for them, I am happy for them.... . But why can't I get married, why can't my girlfriend sponsor me, why can't I fucking stay? Oh yeah because unfortunately (well fortunately for me :) ) neither one of us was born with a dick!

Trains, Trains and Trains

So I wasn't supposed to go to L's last night as I was supposed to play squash but my buddy bailed and off I headed down to the shore. For someone who is regularaly late, she hates waiting when others are!!!!! (Not my fault there were issues around Allenhurst - like I run the trains :). Finally got my mac'n'cheese last night ... can't believe I actually crave it now. I always used to think the concept was gross before I came to the States! (L never knew that!). Last night had highs and lows, nothing major. Although I was looking in the mirror, asking L if she thought I could lose the rest of my belly fat before I had to leave. She responded with 'why, for your next gf?' I know she was joking but for the past 2 years I have never thought of a 'next' someone in my life, I have always thought of 'this' someone for the rest of my life. I really really hope that by some miracle L will remain my always.

For the rest of the night I hung out with L's cats, discovered my gf is filthier than I ever thought and then was woken up at ridiculous time this morning to her cats chasing each other! ... Bliss :) It truly is. Sat back on the train for the journey in to work this morning and saw a pretty nice sunrise - tried to capture it for my daily pic! (I'll even post two today!)

So the 'Big Kahuna' is in town today and tomorrow (my BIG boss!) ... oh joy. Suffice to say lots of sucking up by those around me...me, well whats the point. It is funny he barely acknowledges me whenever he is in town, and then wonders why people don't respect him!

Long weekend coming up ... as my friend in the UK put it 'loving that today is essentially Thursday and the long weekend is so close'. I am hoping just to relax and spend time with L, being boring and domesticated ... again pure Bliss. L is reponsible for washing clothes, and I am responsible for doing the dishes. And this is when I begin to question...don't other couples share responsibilities. Why is it OK for them to continue to do everyday things together and not for me and my gf. Sucks to be us I guess!!!

Jewlery ... or Not?

So I have a gift from L...but she won't tell me what it is. I tried playing the hot/cold game but she said it would not work although I was warmish when I said jewlery!! Oooooo :)

I got an email this morning from my friend back in the UK. Who was being lovely and sweet regarding my return, about us meeting up and having 'cups of teas' as we often do. Until she said the weekends she could not make it, July 4th being one of them. And it hurt - really badly because I remembered the last two July 4ths. Hanging out with L and her friends and being 'oh so American.' Sitting on the beach, listening to the waves and seeing the lights from the fireworks. The whole time enjoying the warmth coming from L and waiting for the finalé. The day off where all the Americans are so smug against us British (like we wanted you anway ;) ). A day like any other day, but this year I won't be sitting next to my gf, instead I'll probably be looking down a glass of rum, or even better helping my mum in her garden! The worst is how people are being really sweet to me from home, and wishing they could help, but no-one other than L truly knows what I am going through.

The Talk

So we talked ... well kind of. I didn't know what to say all of Saturday night, and then Sunday I told her I was really scared of losing her. I felt better for telling her how I felt, but still really bad for ruining our weekend. It isn't like I woke up one morning and decided things weren't working out between us. I love her so much, and hate that I have to leave her soon. HATE IT! Sometimes I just want to hide with her and not allow the rest of the world in. Other times I realize I have to suck things up and accept what is happening, however much I do not like it! We spoke some more via Gmail - for some reason we find it easier to talk about serious stuff that way :)

Well its a four day working week this week ...so glad. I just want to spend time with L and do nothing. Like we used to. I am looking forward to that. Nothing much to say other than that.

Tears....

Last night was a great night, thunderstorms, grey clouds and rain. We had a good evening, made pizza and just relaxed.

Today - well this morning, I woke up and for some reason I was quite needy, but L didn't realize it and I didn't vocalise my need. The plan was to clean up as half my crap was there, and then go hang out with her friends. Well I decided to be kind of detached, I was helping but not really being my normal self. She asked what was wrong when we were at the bottom of the steps, with all the rubbish and I just broke down. I hid my face and refused to tell her what was wrong. She tried to get me to show my face and kept asking, until I got up and went straight to the bathroom. See I don't cry in front of others...or let them know what is bothering me (it is a great trait of mine!!!!). We haven't spoken since. I hate this, I hate being scared and that is why I cried.

Well we are off to her friends sometime soon, so I better put on my happy face hey?!

London Rain....

It is a horrible grey, rainy day - reminds me of London Town :)

I didn't really do much last night - officially moved out of my old place. Moved the last few pieces of furniture - said goodbye to our landlady and headed off into the ..erm nightfall?!?! I went and played squash and beat my friend Al for probably the second time in the history of us playing! Made me feel good :).

This is when things get wierd for me .. when I continue to act like nothing is changing when in actual fact there is this huge shift. I hate not being in control, or being able to manage my future!

Last Night's Dinner

So work was pretty crappy - as usual! But hey that is how it has been for the past few weeks!

Travelled down to the famous Bricktown last night, so L (I am going to refer to her as that from now on as I know she hates it!!! But hey it is better than LLP!!!!) and I could go out to dinner to with her friend, Alley-Cat as I have now started to call her. It was fun times, L talking about her concussion (snowboarding!) and Alley-Cat talking about her preganancy. I only had the 'brown' thing going for me. L mentioned how we are planning a trip away, before I head back to the UK, it made me sad. The last few trips we have had have been amazing, the planning, the trip knowing we would be going home together. But not this time, pretty soon after this trip I will be heading back to the UK. And this time it is not for the week or two to see my family. This time it is for a long time. It is tough talking about friends who are moving on with their lives, but L and I really can't. It is a sucky situation to be in at the moment and all I want to do sometimes is hide. But we got back on track once the waitress borught out the 'Double Chocolate Cake.'

We got in and hung out and watched Will & Grace - always a good time. As L was lying on me everything felt perfect, just like it did when we went to sleep, woke up and she drove me to the train. Everything seemed fine, until the nice lady who is always on the train with me smiled and said 'Good Morning.' Rarely do people say 'hello' on the train in London to you, a smile yes, but never anything more, maybe it was a New Jersey thing!!!! But all I realized was that, sometime soon I won't see her on the train every morning and that is when things became imperfect.

87 Days.....

87 Days, sounds like a lot, it truly isn't. That is the number of days that I have left in this great city, that is the number of days I have left with my girlfriend.

Leaving NYC is hard, leaving my girlfriend is harder.

So, why am I writing this? So I can share my pain with you, pain over being forced to leave someone that you love, because they happen to be a girl like you! I never realized how important my rights were, until I was told that I have no rights. I can't stay here and be with my girlfriend, because USA does not recognise gay immigration. And I didn't realise that there are 70,000 other people like me, like my girlfriend who suffer like us.

So now you know what the main theme of this blog is going to be. It is going to be about saying goodbye, goodbye to all my friends I have made here, goodbye to all the places that I love in this city and an au revoir to my girlfriend.